This week has been a very unhappy week. I don't want to say depressing because that may be a little melodramatic...but it still wasn't a happy week. I guess it all began Tuesday.
It was soooo sunny and nice outside that I decided to ride my bike to work, but about an hour or two into my shift it began to rain...and rain...and rain...well lets just say if Noah were around he would of started gathering the animals. Thus my bike was useless to me and I was stranded at work. Not that big of a deal, I had a ride, but still not happy.
After work I sat outside of Sport's Authority and there was a truck. It sat there with its lights on me for about five min. I was kinda freaked out so I called up James and tried to look unconcerned, but really I was kinda scared. The guy finally rolled up and asked if I needed a ride. I replied no.
*Just as a side note; in what world would a young girl take a ride from some random stranger in a wife
beater who drives a beat up white truck...nothing about that screams rapist...nothing...
After he left I continued my conversation with James. (I still felt as though staying on the phone was a good idea) During this conversation I was informed that he was considering transferring to a school in San Diego. I was shocked but I decided to deal with it as things came. Nothing was decided yet so why cry about it? I hung up with him, got into my rides car and went to the gym.
As I ran things started to hit me. James might be leaving...like really leaving. One more person I had gotten close to was leaving me. This sound really selfish but since I came to college just about every close friend I've had has moved, gotten married, grown distant, or just left due to their personal reasons. Nothing too big if it happens with just one friend, but after about the third or fourth time it get a little old. This has lead to somewhat of a complex. I deal with it well enough (aka I don't have abandonment issues or serious commitment issues...well no more than any average/sane 20 year old). Yet even though I've learned to deal with it doesn't mean that its fun to deal with.
By the end of mile one I could hardly hold in the tears. (I must have been quite a site; sweat on my brow, snot running, and tears threatening to come out...I bet I was pretty red in the face) I finished my mile, cooled down, left the gym, called George and broke down. I was crying and blubbering and feeling really really stupid for crying over a bunch of maybes. In addition my hatred for crying comes is only second to my hatred of feeling like a stupid girl (which was a very strong emotion at the time).
George provided some comfort. I mean its not like he could tell me that everything was going to be ok or that I was being stupid (because, although I was feeling stupid, bottling up my emotions would of been a lot worse), but he did tell me that if James were to move and if we did break up it was because God had something bigger for me. That will ultimately be a comfort but for now I'm still worried and sad. I guess I'm just the happiest I have been in a relationship. I don't feel pressured to change or be someone I'm not. I'm in a romantic relationship with one of my best fiends and its a pretty healthy relationship if I do say so myself. Why would I want to willingly give that up?
So that was the end of day one of the bad week. Wednesday went on without much of a hitch. I saw my family, went to classes, and did some homework. The only thing is I was made to feel quite stupid by a professor and I didn't get to really talk to James. Normally this isn't a big deal, but when I already feel like I'm losing him I guess not talking to him reinforces those feelings. Yet again stupid girl feelings, but they're what I'm feeling none the less.
On top of all this last night I had the worst dream. I was walking from a book store...I think it was the one I work next to in Logan. I was in a parking lot with one car in it. I knew that inside the car there was a man even though I couldn't see him. As I was walking across the parking lot a dog came out of nowhere and attacked me. I screamed and collapsed to play dead but it kept attacking me. The man in the car jumped out and stabbed the dog. He got the dog's blood all over me and also stabbed me in the leg. I feinted and when I woke up the man, the dog, and the blood were gone. But on my leg was a scratch of sorts. It was as though a pocket had been made out of my skin and inside there was a giant splinter.
I ran over to a walmart or home depot and to the register. I was screaming and crying about the man and the dog, but because the blood was gone no one believed me. I tried to show the sales person the scratch but it had turned into a pocket on my shorts (weird right?). The man I was talking to was fat and white and began to care even less. A muscular black man came from the back of the store to help me. He put me on a gurney. He and another man (this one of similar build but white) wheeled me out. They left me in a hallway. I got up and tried to find them but instead of locating the men I found myself at the doors of a gym.
All the lights were off but I knew that the man who had attacked/saved me and/or the dog were in there. I began screaming again and the men came to take me away....and that was all I remember. I woke up scared and discombobulated. And thus I was only half asleep for the rest of the night. I woke up this morning sore, tired, and (to make everything even better) outside it was raining. This rain later turned to snow...and it hasn't stopped snowing since one. The weather has only served to perpetuate my bad mood. I feel lonely and I feel like crying. I know that if it were sunny outside I would be fine, but its snowing....in April.
Really there is no point to this post. No grand lesson or prodding thought. Just my unhappy thoughts. I want to talk to someone but really there is no one to talk to right now. Maybe tomorrow will be sunnier and I'll feel better.
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