Growing up my dad worked full time as a teacher, wrestling coach, and football coach. My mom had the same hectic schedule. She worked full time and was back in school for her masters during my early childhood. Thus they weren't around much. Most of my childhood was spent at a babysitters, in the wrestling room or on the football field. I always had someone making sure I didn't get into too much trouble but it was always someone different. My dad's newest TA, a babysitter, an office aid, some random athlete...you name it. That's not to say there weren't constants out of them all, but I learned to listen to anyone who was put in charge and rely emotionally on close to no one (with the exception of my parents).
I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or to imply that I had some sort of horrible childhood. I actually had an amazing childhood. My dad's office in the wrestling room was a giant playground for me, I made tons of friends (most of them my dad's coworkers and students), and had a chance to learn how to have fun on my own. But I do want to give some sort of background as to what my childhood was like so I can better explain why i am the way I am today.
I am strangely independent for my age. Even as a young child I liked working on projects by myself (forget groups), I was fine taking charge of situations, I did what I wanted (which usually resulted in a grounding), and so on. This independence continued on through my adolescence. I was always on some sort of sport's team or another so I was hardly home...just like my parents. We were always doing something and real family time was rare. We had a great family life however. I never doubted my parent's love for me or that they would be there if I needed them...I just hardly ever needed them. It was a good life. Also, as the oldest, I took on new responsibility and I thus a little more independence.
As I grew older my desire for independence didn't wane. My first boyfriend went to another school and I was lucky if I saw him once a week. For most sixteen year old girl's this would be unacceptable, but for me it was what I considered normal. I didn't need to see him everyday...hell I didn't even need to talk to him everyday. We broke up about a month into the whole thing because "we didn't spend enough time together." I was hurt but as a whole my main thought was "what a pansy." I needed a guy who could handle being on his own.
My next boyfriend was much better. We survived nearly a whole year on once a week visits. He understood that I had commitments. But still he didn't work out quite the way I wanted him to....I was leaving for college and I wanted to be single. He, however, saw some sort of marriage in our future. I, at eighteen, did not see marriage as a good thing...I saw it as more of an imprisonment. The next relationship took things even further. I dated a guy who lived 803 miles away and went to school 615 miles away. I had all the independence I could want. But unfortunately this gave him ample independence which he took the time to abuse...by cheating...so that relationship ended.
Not that you needed to know all of my dating history but I feel as though these relationships illustrate how much I love my independence. Even my best friends since age thirteen have gone to different schools. I need relationships but I don't need someone there twenty-four/seven. This has been the case more so since I left for college. I have lived on my own since I was eighteen. Independent in every way except financially (and lets face it being a full time student and financially independent with no college degree is near impossible).
Ok so now down to the so what. I am independent. I don't need someone there all the time, but when my boyfriend told me he might be moving out of state for college I died a little inside. While he was up here this weekend we were kissing and I had to leave the room to cry. I have never done that before! Had to cry because I realized this guy that I could potentially fall in love with wouldn't be there in a year. Normally I just say "Ok...this sucks but it will be alright. Suck it up and move on."
I am becoming more and more emotionally dependent on him the longer we date and its starting to scare me. I've been sad when I break up with boyfriends before but its more because of the rejection factor or guilt. I've never cried for a true sense of loss. Sometime loss might be part of my tears, but it is never the whole reason. But this weekend I was in the bathroom crying over a potential loss...I mean I hadn't even lost him yet.
Right after I returned to the room and tried to shut down, to push him away...but I couldn't. I ended up telling him exactly how I felt and he said the one thing I needed to hear more than anything. He told me that this sadness wasn't something that I needed to bear on my own. This was something that I could share with him. He said that I could depend on him to be there for me and help me through anything.
At that point I had already typed the first half of this blog entry so I had already thought about my independence and where I want him to fit into it. I didn't want to feel hurt and I didn't want to feel like I was losing him when he left...but at the same time I wasn't ready to give him up. I wanted...I want...to depend on him. I want him to depend on me. I don't want to stand on my own right now. I trust him and I want him to be a part of my life...but still I find myself pushing away...the fear of losing him and having my heart broken threatens to take over from time to time.
How often do we do that? We find something we want but then we see the potential loss so we push away. We walk away from an opportunity to have something great just for the fear of what may happen to that something in the future. Its like if we let ourselves love it too much it will just leave...
Well I don't know about you but I'm sick of walking away from something great just because of some fear of some maybe or what if. If we let ourselves be ruled by this fear then we will for sure, without a doubt have missed out on anything great we could of possibly had. This silly little girl is going to keep going and keep falling for this guy even if he is just going to be gone...I mean no risk, no reward right?
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