So many things are running through my mind right now. I'm worried about my jobs, school is going to start soon and I have no idea if I can handle it, I suck at rock climbing and am continuously sore, I have no idea where God wants me right now, and I am absolutely and completely in love. Those emotions are all over the place and most the time if I think too much i just end up completely exhausted.
I don't know which way is up and which is down when it comes to my emotions. It just seems as though worry plagues most of my thoughts, but every once and while this little blooming emotion of hope and joy springs forth and I know I am completely and utterly in love. Yet this, again, fills me with worry on so many levels. "What happens when he leaves?" "What if he decides he doesn't feel the same way?" "What if this is starting to consume my life?" "Where is God?"
That last question comes up a lot. When I'm thinking about James, my jobs, school, my young life kids, the alpine kids. All of it comes back to "Where is God?" I'm at the point where I just have no clue and I'm left like little Margaret to call out "Are you there God? It's me Andy." And then I must just wait patiently to see if he responds this time. He's probably responded every time but, again like Margaret, I just have no idea what to listen for.
Right now I'm thinking of quitting one job so I can spend more time with the young life kids and start to help out with fusion. But at the same time I don't know if I can financially afford to quit one job. And what about London? I have no idea if he wants me to go there or if I made all that up in my own head because I really wanted it. "Hey God are you out there? I just really have some big questions for you about this whole plan you've got going for me?
Trusting God is hard. His plan for us is just so big that he couldn't possible tell all of it to us at once. All the people we'll meet, how he'll use us, how he'll use others to shape us. The why and how of every part of the plan. It's just so detailed and complex that there is no way we would be able to understand it all or retain it all. Because of this he needs to reveal it to us one little bit at a time.
As humans we cling to these little bits and claim them as the plan. God may reveal to us that we need to go to the middle east so we cling to this thought of being a missionary in an unreached part of the world, yet all the while God had just sent us there for personal growth or to meet one person that would send us in the right direction or maybe we were meant to testify but not in the way we are thinking. We become so caught up in our interpretation of his plan that we miss the point. The worst part is that we were following his plan but right there we took ourselves off the path.
Trusting him is a daily commitment that we will make every step lead us closer to him. Not just every action or thought but every step. We tend to think of life as a sequence of events so we trust God from event to event. But really our trust must be from step to step. If our thinking get's any bigger we might just miss something.
I don't know about you but that is a pretty big way to trust. I can easily trust someone if I know what's coming next but just taking it one step at a time and trusting that bad things happen for a reason and quitting jobs and moving to a new city are for my greater good and his greater glory get's hard. There is always this "what if" looming in front of me. "What if he didn't really want me to quit so he won't provide in order to get me back on the right path?" or even "What if he doesn't provide?" I know he always comes through but that's the hard thing about blind trust. You need to just trust something will happen without ever really knowing. I know I need to trust but that doesn't make it any easier.
Are you there God? It's me, Andy. I have a couple questions about your plan if you've got a second.
I don't know which way is up and which is down when it comes to my emotions. It just seems as though worry plagues most of my thoughts, but every once and while this little blooming emotion of hope and joy springs forth and I know I am completely and utterly in love. Yet this, again, fills me with worry on so many levels. "What happens when he leaves?" "What if he decides he doesn't feel the same way?" "What if this is starting to consume my life?" "Where is God?"
That last question comes up a lot. When I'm thinking about James, my jobs, school, my young life kids, the alpine kids. All of it comes back to "Where is God?" I'm at the point where I just have no clue and I'm left like little Margaret to call out "Are you there God? It's me Andy." And then I must just wait patiently to see if he responds this time. He's probably responded every time but, again like Margaret, I just have no idea what to listen for.
Right now I'm thinking of quitting one job so I can spend more time with the young life kids and start to help out with fusion. But at the same time I don't know if I can financially afford to quit one job. And what about London? I have no idea if he wants me to go there or if I made all that up in my own head because I really wanted it. "Hey God are you out there? I just really have some big questions for you about this whole plan you've got going for me?
Trusting God is hard. His plan for us is just so big that he couldn't possible tell all of it to us at once. All the people we'll meet, how he'll use us, how he'll use others to shape us. The why and how of every part of the plan. It's just so detailed and complex that there is no way we would be able to understand it all or retain it all. Because of this he needs to reveal it to us one little bit at a time.
As humans we cling to these little bits and claim them as the plan. God may reveal to us that we need to go to the middle east so we cling to this thought of being a missionary in an unreached part of the world, yet all the while God had just sent us there for personal growth or to meet one person that would send us in the right direction or maybe we were meant to testify but not in the way we are thinking. We become so caught up in our interpretation of his plan that we miss the point. The worst part is that we were following his plan but right there we took ourselves off the path.
Trusting him is a daily commitment that we will make every step lead us closer to him. Not just every action or thought but every step. We tend to think of life as a sequence of events so we trust God from event to event. But really our trust must be from step to step. If our thinking get's any bigger we might just miss something.
I don't know about you but that is a pretty big way to trust. I can easily trust someone if I know what's coming next but just taking it one step at a time and trusting that bad things happen for a reason and quitting jobs and moving to a new city are for my greater good and his greater glory get's hard. There is always this "what if" looming in front of me. "What if he didn't really want me to quit so he won't provide in order to get me back on the right path?" or even "What if he doesn't provide?" I know he always comes through but that's the hard thing about blind trust. You need to just trust something will happen without ever really knowing. I know I need to trust but that doesn't make it any easier.
Are you there God? It's me, Andy. I have a couple questions about your plan if you've got a second.
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