Dream Jobs

     Starting at a very young age we are asked over and over again what we want to be when we grow up.  This can range form a doctor or a teacher to superman or a teenage mutant ninja turtle.  Either way we have our dream.  As we get older and older we shift our dreams to more realistic standards.  We eventually find an area we like and decide on a steady career that will pay the bills.  And slowly we let those old dreams go.
     When I was young I wanted to be a teacher.  Its silly but my dad was a teacher and well...I was a daddy's girl.  It wasn't till I was older that I found activities I loved and could potentially get a job in, but those jobs weren't financially reliable and actually getting the job was a long shot.  My dream was to be a lighting technician or a designer.  Yet as I moved further and further into my love I experienced a lot of negativity from my parents.
     "Where are you going to use such skills?  Debate is a much better use of your time," or "The theater industry is so unreliable, its not realistic to look at a career in such an area."  I listened to them and I walked away.  I'm in school to be a teacher and I will probably never have a serious job in the lighting industry.
    Yet last month I did lights for my old high school and it was intoxicating to be back doing what I loved. I realized, again, why I put up with all the frustration of the electronic malfunctions and high stress situations.  There was nothing more invigorating than walking into an ugly and blank cafeteria and transforming it into a stage.
     I was doing these lights as if they were a job.  I drove down and worked long hours.  While in Logan I drew sketches, looked up light throws, and played with unconventional gel combinations.  My life for a few months was thrown back into theater and while it was stressful I loved every moment of it.  At the end of the production I felt accomplished, but sad at the same time.  I had worked to hard and loved it so much.  Leaving it now felt wrong.  
     About two weeks after my completion of the project my mom gave me an envelop from the director of the show.  He had decided to pay me for my work.  I almost went to give it back to him, but something stopped me.  I had just been paid to do something I loved.  Most people will go their entire life without having such a thing happen.  We may like our jobs but to get paid for something you love is an entirely new experience.
    About two weeks after this my boyfriend told me that he may be hired as a setter at his rock climbing gym.  I was overjoyed for him.  I don't know if he understood why I was so excited for him...he just kinda laughed at me.  I just think that it is so cool for him to get paid to do something that resembles an art...to get paid to do something he loves.  And not just once, like with my lighting, but as his job he would do something he loved with an unimaginable passion (really its more of an obsession for him).
      I just wish that everyone could experience, just once, what its like to get paid for something you love.  Something you gave up long ago as a viable job option.  And finally I want to thank Mr. Gordon Hutlburg and Miss Susan Berrend for this amazing opportunity.  For two months they allowed for me to live my dream...to have my dream job.  No amount of thanks will ever truly express how much I appreciate that opportunity.
    I lived a dream and not many people can say that.

Children- From the Viewpoint of a Girl who Thinks Life Begins at Conception

     I don't think I ever want kids.  Its not that I don't like kids or that I'm not willing to make the sacrifice, I like kids and I think the sacrifices are worth making...but there are so many ways to screw up.  The potential tragedies involved in pregnancy and child rearing are so great.  As youth we are so caught up in our superhuman, untouchable mindset that we forget how fragile life is...especially a child's life.
     Just recently I met a pregnant girl who has inside her a child with a collapsed lung.  She is in her fourth month and realistically her baby probably won't make it to the third trimester.  Recently all I can think of is this drowning baby.  Inside a woman is a dying child and she can't do anything about it.  The only form of comfort she can provide is a stroke to her stomach, a sad thought, or a slight tear.  But the child will never feel the warm touch of its mother and hear the soft sobs on its behalf.  In her situation what can you do?
     I had a friend say that this is the point where an abortion would be acceptable...but I question that solution.  In order to save my child I should just put it out of its misery...I should kill my child...That doesn't sound like much of a solution.  I think some people won't accept this as a viable answer to my friend either because they see it as a mercy killing or because of the differences in opinion as to when a life begins.  But for me the death of a child by natural causes, no matter how miserable it is for me, is better than killing the child myself.
     It puts a woman in a horrible position to suggest such a thing.  You should kill this child living inside you in order to save it ample amounts of suffering and later you must face the guilt of killing your child.  Or you should let your child suffer naturally, offering whatever comfort you can, and then face the guilt of letting your child suffer, knowing you could have saved it some suffering.  On top of all of this the idea that your child will die is not a 100% certainty...it could still live and be born...
      But really situations like this are not rare.  Miscarriages, birth defects, complications in pregnancy...things like these happen all the time.  To carry a child for days, weeks, months and then to lose that life...I don't think I could do that.  Currently I know four pregnant woman and talking to them about their child has shown how much of a bond they feel with their baby.
     When a woman is pregnant those around her can feel a kick on the surface of the stomach, but a mother feels the child all the time.  She feels every kick, 360 degrees.  She can feel the child interacting with every part of her body, she can feel it growing every day.  Really the pregnancy is an amazing part of being a mother...the connection you make with the child who comes to life and grows inside of you is insane.  If life starts at conception, your child experiences the first nine months of its life inside the woman.  Then to lose that...to have that life end inside you...I don't think I could handle it...
     But lets say you make it through the pregnancy without any complications and you see a life begin.  You take the child home and begin its life outside of your belly just fine...now you have the job of raising a productive member of society who reaches the hight of their potential.  This job seems even harder than a pregnancy would ever be.
     I'm an intellectual who values the lessons and disciplines a sport gives you...what if my daughter is the stereotypical cheerleader?  Or my son is the kid from high school that loves everything Japan and refuses to meld into the US society?  And really I can deal with all of that...but its still a worry...how do I put aside everything that I was to full heartedly accept who my child is?  Like I said, though, its not that bad...it gets worse...
      What if my child decides to have sex, drink, and do drugs?  What parenting tactics do I use to help my child choose a lifestyle void of these things?  And where does my role as a parent end and my child's freewill kick in?  When is it time to let go and how much of my child is my responsibility?  These questions really have no answer and there is no form of right parenting.  Each parent is an individual and each child is an individual...that part scares me.  No right answer and no easy equation...
     If I have a child I know that that little baby will become my life the day I find out I'm pregnant...and I don't think I have the strength to deal with any complications before or after birth.  How do you survive after you see something go wrong with a this little person...this little person you love so much and have so much emotion invested in?

Oh what a day...

     Some days it is perfectly acceptable to say "Fuck the world," go home, get into a scalding hot shower, and cry.  I think we like to deny our feelings because we think we're being selfish or irresponsible.  But there are just some days that start bad and just get worse and worse with no good end in sight.
     Its like a tornado of bad.  It just grows and grows and GROWS till everything is sucked in and everything in its path is destroyed.  And there we sit, right in the middle.  We watch it all happen, but we can't do anything.  I mean you're right in the center, you should be able to do something...but alas nothing can be done.  This tornado of negativity just continues in its destructive ways till is slowly dies away.
     I had one of those days and it sucked (not a very scholarly word, but I feel as though it is the perfect word for my day).  I was sick, worked ten hours, and at the end of the day I was told I was "a rude and inconsiderate person with no self worth."  Yup I walked to my car, closed the door, and started crying.  Sick, tired, and hurt I went home.  I turned on my shower and for a half hour I alternated between self pity and anger.
     Really it all sounds quite stupid, but I needed that time.  I needed to just focus on me and how my day had made me feel.  And really I'm still not ok.  I made it past sad.  The guy who called me rude and inconsiderate and so on is an idiot (I knew this before he insulted me).  But I am going to continue to be mad till I start feeling better and I have had some sleep.  I wasn't selfish or unproductive tonight...I was just meeting what would appear to be completely ridiculous needs...
   I don't know where I was going with this...I guess I just needed to justify my actions tonight.  Also, I think I needed to put down my thoughts where someone could potentially read them because really I don't think anyone wants to hear my silly little problems.  Anyone reading this can shut the window and walk away at any point in time.
    Now I'm just rambling.  Closing thought:  Be "selfish" and cry every once in a while.  Be mad and hurt and let that tornado go its route (within reason of course).  Some days are just bad days and there is nothing you can really do about any of it.  Not right away at least.

Safety Nets

     As time goes on we all inevitably grow up.  Slowly we started gaining responsibility, independence, and so on.  But as we grow up this safety net we've grown up with all our lives starts to slowly fall away until you realize that it no longer is right there below you, waiting to catch you if you fall.  Life becomes shrewder, unforgiving, and cold.  All those reassuring lies we lived with as kids just drift away.
     We tend to think that we're untouchable.  That nothing could happen to us.  With the whole world before us who could ever stand against us...but then reality comes in to bite us on the ass.  We have our heart really broken for the first time, we lose a friend in a car crash, someone we know goes to jail, innocence is cruelly stolen from us.
     I know a lot of kids grow up in this "real world," but I was raised in a Christian School in Utah.  I lived in ignorance for the longest time.  No one and nothing could touch me.  I had a list of endless possibilities in front of me and I could do anything.  I didn't need to worry about kidnap, premature death, rape, or any other nasty part of the outside world...my world was perfect and no one could ruin it.
     That is until the cruel outside world started to creep in...my cousin died at age 15.  Then the next year my friend was killed in a car crash at age 17 and the next year another friend took his own life at 17.  Reality kept banging at my door.  Threatening to come in.  At eighteen I was told I was lucky to be able to see my best friend alive, she almost died in a roll over.  Nothing was as perfect anymore...but I was still safe.
     These other people had done something to desert their safety net but I still clung to mine.  It was there to catch me.  No matter how big the risk I would survive...but tonight I just realized that my safety net is gone.  I live in Logan, UT; one of the top five safest cities in the United States.  Yet even here that cruel world comes knocking and this time my safety net is gone.
     I live up here on my own...I have friends and adults who care but I am ultimately responsible for my actions.  And the world is not as safe as my little Christian bubble in suburban Utah.  My friend was raped...no news story or anything to report the tragedy.  Just plain facts, a police report that takes months to lead to any actions, and a rapist still in the city.
     Her story is just one of many.  But that doesn't make it any less important or any less scary.  Even in safe little Logan, Ut we're still at risk...my safety net is gone and right now I have no idea what to think.  No notification was sent out or warning was given.  And he still gets to wander around till the police get things sorted out.  My friend left town to live with her parents for fear of what may happen.  She had to return to her safety net...but still she has to go back after something was taken from her...stolen from her...
     I don't know what this post is about...the injustice of rape or the fear I have after someone so close to me was so deeply hurt...All of it is confusing.  I guess this is the part of growing up that no one wants to tell you about.

To Feel or Not To Feel

     This last year, on more than one occasion, I was told that I was not feeling the right thing.  I was taking too long to get over  my ex, I shouldn't be upset when a guy rejected me, get over it...and I listened to them.  I was feeling the wrong thing at the wrong time (or something like that).  By the end of it all I couldn't help but doubt my own feelings.  Was I feeling the way I was supposed to or should I shove this sense of anger, hurt, or happiness to the side in hopes of fitting the social norm?

     Yet I was told just recently that there is no such thing as a wrong feeling.  There is a good feeling, a bad feeling, a feeling you let consume you, but never a wrong feeling.  We feel what we feel for a reason, and no one can tell us what that reason is and tell us our feelings aren't justified. 

     I was told that feelings are information.  They may not seem rational, but they tell us about how we are doing emotionally and spiritually.  They tell us little bits about ourselves.  And so to ignore them is to ignore a part of ourselves.  We may not know exactly what are emotions are telling us just yet; but by ignoring them we may be ignoring something really important that will come to light at some later time.
     After I was told this I swore I would never ignore my emotions ever again.  I failed quite a few times before started to succeed, but once I started to actually feel all my emotions things started to get so much easier. My happiness was lasted a lot longer and the anger or sadness would dissipate naturally after a night or even a few short hours.  
     For example, as girls we are told that heartbreak or being upset over a boy is weak or stupid, but it isn't.  One day my boyfriend really hurt my feelings.  He didn't mean to and really the whole ordeal wasn't that big of a deal.  It was all centered around one small, insignificant text.  Yet it still hurt my feelings.  
    Instead of calling him up and crying and being...well a girl...I decided to sit in my room and feel hurt.  I was embarrassed at being vulnerable with him and hurt that he didn't return my same feelings (and no I did not tell him I loved him over text, just in case you were wondering).  And I felt those feelings.  The next day I was still hurt, but it wasn't so big that is overwhelmed me.  I called him later that day and was able to very calmly explain my feelings and what he had done to hurt me.  No yelling or crying, just very calm talking.  
     If I hadn't taken that time I would probably have yelled or acted upset as a defense to cope with my very big emotions. But my emotions had already been dealt with so they just weren't that big and I had an understanding of what was a big deal and what wasn't.  We worked everything out within twenty minutes and we were both better for it.  
     By making my emotions about me and the information they were giving me instead of blaming my boyfriend or ignoring the emotions because they were weak emotions I was able to feel them.  Because I felt them they ended up being a fairly small deal.  And the best part is that I didn't have to convince myself that they weren't a big deal.  They really didn't feel like a big deal anymore.
     That is just one, very girly, example.  Yet you get the idea.  Each emotion has a different life span and needs to be dealt with differently, but they all need to be felt.  What a strange concept...feeling your feelings.  I don't think many of us ever think about how little we actually feel and how much we suppress.

Penny for Your Thoughts

A couple nights ago I was talking to my boyfriend about diaries, journals, and blogs.  About how it is nice to have your thoughts down so you can explore your own mind better and remember the deep thoughts you have.  I have a journal (or is girl thought storage referred to as a diary?  Better yet what is the different between a diary and a journal?) but I never really write in it...like maybe once a month.  

I always feel like it is so pointless.  No one will ever read it.  My thoughts will just be my own.  Occasionally this would be ok, but not all the time.  If my thoughts are important enough to be written down instead of just thought then I would like to be able to share them with others...or at least have the option of sharing.  That's why this blog was so appealing.  I know that probably no one will ever read this but its nice to have the option.  Whereas with a journal/diary the only way someone would read it in your lifetime is if you shared it (kinda counter-intuitive) or for someone to steal it.  

This train of thought lead to me obtaining a blog.  Thus one problem was solved with the acquisition of this blog.  I now had a place to share my thoughts where someone could potentially read them...yet obviously I still struggled to write in it.  One post for all of 2010...just one.  Obviously writing is still hard.  

Now that someone can potentially read what I have written I feel the need to write something worth reading...and I don't always have something worth reading.  The worst part about all of this is that I was somewhat challenged to actually keep my blog up to date and now I am forced to write something almost everyday!  In addition to my boyfriend's challenge-ish thing, my other friend challenged me to take "me time" each day.  I struggled with this because me time was so unproductive.  So I challenged myself to write what I thought in my blog everyday and label it "semi-productive me time."  

It is quite obvious at day three that this was not one of my better choices.  If I didn't have something worth reading to write in over half a year what made me think that I have something worth writing each day?  I have nothing of importance to write.  This whole post is just me complaining about how I have nothing worth reading in my thoughts...

I guess the take away point in all this (in an effort to make this worth reading): How often to we speak without having anything worth being heard?  How often do we write without having anything worth reading?  

Now that you have mentally answered that: What makes it worth listening to?  What makes it worth reading?  At what point does any of this become worth it?  I have no answer...maybe what I write is worth reading.  To me it is bunch of unoriginal stuff that isn't worth a whole lot yet here I am still typing away...thus it must have some worth.  Somehow it must be good enough for me to type and good enough for you to read...at least in my mind.  

I really don't know where I am going with this, but I didn't really have anything to say today.  Obviously with nothing to say I had to question the worth of my thoughts and my blog.