Chicka chicka Boom boom

     The morning started out great.  I woke up at eight thirty feeling great.  I made an amazing pot of coffee, finished a post, ate some homemade donuts, and took a cleansing shower.  But slowly the day began to slip away from me.  I looked on my boyfriend's wall and was reminded that he was leaving.  He's already getting posts from friends advising him to find a climbing partner so when he moves he can continue his passion.
   After seeing the well wishers' posts I was angry.  I wanted to yell at these people.  I wanted to tell them that they were idiots for sending him away and that he should stay.  I spent the next hour and a half wandering around my apartment trying to find stuff to do.  Tim wasn't going to go climbing till 4:30 and I was just left to wait.  Nothing could distract my poor heart from the looming ache it was bound to feel.  With every passing day I'm reminded that he's leaving and yet I find myself still getting closer and closer to him.  I trust him more than just about anyone else.  I tell him everything and trust him with almost all my worries.  It's like I'm setting myself up to break.
    Finally 4:15 rolled around and I was able to leave the damned apartment.  I was ready to be out and do my own thing.  To stop thinking and just be.  The nice thing about climbing is that the fear of falling and fighting that fear tends to consume you.  I didn't have time to think of James for the next two hours it.  It was just me overcoming a fear and reaching the top.
    I ended up doing my first lead climb, cleaning my first climb, and successfully completing a 5.8 (For those of you who have no idea what i'm talking about, don't worry.  Just know I'm proud.).  After all that I of course wanted to tell my beloved boyfriend who began vary quickly to kill my joy.  Stupid boy.  So thus I was flung back to the looming depression from before.  It was fighting to overcome me.  This thing that I had been so proud of was seeming like less and less of a big deal.  Maybe I was just overreacting and really I was still just a sucky as I was before.
     Yet after a shower and some dinner I decided that I was not going to let James and my inability to be an amazing climber dim my great mood.  I was going to do something and it was going to be great...but no one could hang out.  This left me to do what I wanted by myself.  I put on my keds and took off.  I walked down the hill and across campus to a gas station.
     During that time I was on the phone with Lukas.  I missed him so much and I really just wanted to go on an adventure with him.  Like those four hour walks we went on at midnight last summer, but alas he is no longer in Logan.  But despite the distance we were on the same page.  I was going to the gas station to get a prime time.  I don't really smoke...ever...but I wanted to celebrate and alcohol was (and still is) kinda out of the question so vanilla prime time it was.  The funny part was Lukas was on his way home from work and was planning on smoking his last prime time when he got home.  Thus an adventure was born.
     Twenty minutes later, give or take, I was sitting on old main hill with my prime time and Lukas sat at a park across the street from his house in salt lake with his vanilla prime time (no joke we didn't plan on having the same flavor we're just that cool).  We talked for nearly an hour.  Just like last summer but not...It was almost as good.  We made plans for next year and for the rest of the summer, we reminisced about the previous year, and just talked about life.
     My day had gone from good to bad to amazing to a little down back up to amazing.  And by the end of the night I had realized two things.  One: I don't need James to make me happy.  I mean he does make me happy but I don't need him.  When he leaves things won't be the same but it will eventually be ok.  Two: after smoking a vanilla prime time go drink grapefruit juice, it tastes amazing.

Are you there God? It's me, Andy.

    So many things are running through my mind right now.  I'm worried about my jobs, school is going to start soon and I have no idea if I can handle it, I suck at rock climbing and am continuously sore, I have no idea where God wants me right now, and I am absolutely and completely in love.  Those emotions are all over the place and most the time if I think too much i just end up completely exhausted.
     I don't know which way is up and which is down when it comes to my emotions.  It just seems as though worry plagues most of my thoughts, but every once and while this little blooming emotion of hope and joy springs forth and I know I am completely and utterly in love. Yet this, again, fills me with worry on so many levels.  "What happens when he leaves?"  "What if he decides he doesn't feel the same way?"  "What if this is starting to consume my life?"  "Where is God?"
     That last question comes up a lot.  When I'm thinking about James, my jobs, school, my young life kids, the alpine kids.  All of it comes back to "Where is God?"  I'm at the point where I just have no clue and I'm left like little Margaret to call out "Are you there God?  It's me Andy."  And then I must just wait patiently to see if he responds this time.  He's probably responded every time but, again like Margaret, I just have no idea what to listen for.
     Right now I'm thinking of quitting one job so I can spend more time with the young life kids and start to help out with fusion.  But at the same time I don't know if I can financially afford to quit one job.  And what about London?  I have no idea if he wants me to go there or if I made all that up in my own head because I really wanted it.  "Hey God are you out there?  I just really have some big questions for you about this whole plan you've got going for me?
      Trusting God is hard.  His plan for us is just so big that he couldn't possible tell all of it to us at once.  All the people we'll meet, how he'll use us, how he'll use others to shape us.  The why and how of every part of the plan.  It's just so detailed and complex that there is no way we would be able to understand it all  or retain it all.  Because of this he needs to reveal it to us one little bit at a time.
     As humans we cling to these little bits and claim them as the plan.  God may reveal to us that we need to go to the middle east so we cling to this thought of being a missionary in an unreached part of the world, yet all the while God had just sent us there for personal growth or to meet one person that would send us in the right direction or maybe we were meant to testify but not in the way we are thinking.  We become so caught up in our interpretation of his plan that we miss the point.  The worst part is that we were following his plan but right there we took ourselves off the path.
     Trusting him is a daily commitment that we will make every step lead us closer to him.  Not just every action or thought but every step.  We tend to think of life as a sequence of events so we trust God from event to event.  But really our trust must be from step to step.  If our thinking get's any bigger we might just miss something.
     I don't know about you but that is a pretty big way to trust.  I can easily trust someone if I know what's coming next but just taking it one step at a time and trusting that bad things happen for a reason and quitting jobs and moving to a new city are for my greater good and his greater glory get's hard.  There is always this "what if" looming in front of me.  "What if he didn't really want me to quit so he won't provide in order to get me back on the right path?"  or even "What if he doesn't provide?"  I know he always comes through but that's the hard thing about blind trust.  You need to just trust something will happen without ever really knowing.  I know I need to trust but that doesn't make it any easier.

Are you there God?  It's me, Andy.  I have a couple questions about your plan if you've got a second.

Little Miss Independent

     Growing up my dad worked full time as a teacher, wrestling coach, and football coach.  My mom had the same hectic schedule.  She worked full time and was back in school for her masters during my early childhood.  Thus they weren't around much.  Most of my childhood was spent at a babysitters, in the wrestling room or on the football field.  I always had someone making sure I didn't get into too much trouble but it was always someone different.  My dad's newest TA, a babysitter, an office aid, some random athlete...you name it.  That's not to say there weren't constants out of them all, but I learned to listen to anyone who was put in charge and rely emotionally on close to no one (with the exception of my parents).
     I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or to imply that I had some sort of horrible childhood.  I actually had an amazing childhood.  My dad's office in the wrestling room was a giant playground for me, I made tons of friends (most of them my dad's coworkers and students), and had a chance to learn how to have fun on my own.  But I do want to give some sort of background as to what my childhood was like so I can better explain why i am the way I am today.
      I am strangely independent for my age.  Even as a young child I liked working on projects by myself (forget groups), I was fine taking charge of situations, I did what I wanted (which usually resulted in a grounding), and so on. This independence continued on through my adolescence.  I was always on some sort of sport's team or another so I was hardly home...just like my parents.  We were always doing something and real family time was rare.  We had a great family life however.  I never doubted my parent's love for me or that they would be there if I needed them...I just hardly ever needed them.  It was a good life.  Also, as the oldest, I took on new responsibility and I thus a little more independence.
     As I grew older my desire for independence didn't wane.  My first boyfriend went to another school and I was lucky if I saw him once a week.  For most sixteen year old girl's this would be unacceptable, but for me it was what I considered normal.  I didn't need to see him everyday...hell I didn't even need to talk to him everyday.  We broke up about a month into the whole thing because "we didn't spend enough time together."  I was hurt but as a whole my main thought was "what a pansy."  I needed a guy who could handle being on his own.
     My next boyfriend was much better.  We survived nearly a whole year on once a week visits.  He understood that I had commitments.  But still he didn't work out quite the way I wanted him to....I was leaving for college and I wanted to be single.  He, however, saw some sort of marriage in our future.  I, at eighteen, did not see marriage as a good thing...I saw it as more of an imprisonment.  The next relationship took things even further.  I dated a guy who lived 803 miles away and went to school 615 miles away.  I had all the independence I could want.  But unfortunately this gave him ample independence which he took the time to abuse...by cheating...so that relationship ended.
     Not that you needed to know all of my dating history but I feel as though these relationships illustrate how much I love my independence.  Even my best friends since age thirteen have gone to different schools.  I need relationships but I don't need someone there twenty-four/seven.  This has been the case more so since I left for college.  I have lived on my own since I was eighteen.  Independent in every way except financially (and lets face it being a full time student and financially independent with no college degree is near impossible).
     Ok so now down to the so what.  I am independent.  I don't need someone  there all the time, but when my boyfriend told me he might be moving out of state for college I died a little inside.  While he was up here this weekend we were kissing and I had to leave the room to cry.  I have never done that before!  Had to cry because I realized this guy that I could potentially fall in love with wouldn't be there in a year.  Normally I just say "Ok...this sucks but it will be alright.  Suck it up and move on."
      I am becoming more and more emotionally dependent on him the longer we date and its starting to scare me.  I've been sad when I break up with boyfriends before but its more because of the rejection factor or guilt.  I've never cried for a true sense of loss.  Sometime loss might be part of my tears, but it is never the whole reason.  But this weekend I was in the bathroom crying over a potential loss...I mean I hadn't even lost him yet.
     Right after I returned to the room and tried to shut down, to push him away...but I couldn't.  I ended up telling him exactly how I felt and he said the one thing I needed to hear more than anything.  He told me that this sadness wasn't something that I needed to bear on my own.  This was something that I could share with him.  He said that I could depend on him to be there for me and help me through anything.
     At that point I had already typed the first half of this blog entry so I had already thought about my independence and where I want him to fit into it.  I didn't want to feel hurt and I didn't want to feel like I was losing him when he left...but at the same time I wasn't ready to give him up.  I wanted...I want...to depend on him.  I want him to depend on me.  I don't want to stand on my own right now.  I trust him and I want him to be a part of my life...but still I find myself pushing away...the fear of losing him and having my heart broken threatens to take over from time to time.
     How often do we do that?  We find something we want but then we see the potential loss so we push away.  We walk away from an opportunity to have something great just for the fear of what may happen to that something in the future.  Its like if we let ourselves love it too much it will just leave...
     Well I don't know about you but I'm sick of walking away from something great just because of some fear of some maybe or what if.  If we let ourselves be ruled by this fear then we will for sure, without a doubt have missed out on anything great we could of possibly had.  This silly little girl is going to keep going and keep falling for this guy even if he is just going to be gone...I mean no risk, no reward right?

Dehumanization and "otherization"

     I've been doing debate for nine years now.  I have always loved it and thought it was the perfect way to persuade people to care about things I thought were important.  Yet within the last two years I have been disillusioned.  Constantly reading about the problems of the world and outlining impacts to real or potential situations can start to desensitize any individual to these situations.
     For example, last tournament I was told that just saying dehumanization was an impact was not enough.  I needed to explain why dehumanization was bad.  In another round I needed to better link dehumanization to otherization.  I was confused by this.  Wasn't the thought that making someone's life worth less bad enough? Why did I need to explain why that was so bad?  In addition to fully impact the empirics of the situation would take ten minutes in and of itself.  This is due to the fact the people are seriously mislead when it come to the Holocaust and the realities of genocide in our modern world.  If you site the example of Hitler's Nazi Germany as an empirical example of the effects of dehumanization most will naively wave you off as melodramatic.  This is because nothing even remotely close to that would ever happen again, especially in the United States of America...or would it?
     For all those who want me to internalize the impacts of dehumanization and "otherization" this is for you.
    In 1915 an unknown amount of Armenians were killing during the Turkish process of ethnic cleansing.  The number is still unknown due to the fact that the Turkish government refuses to acknowledge that such a genocide ever happened.  During World War two millions of Jews and other "undesirables" were systematically murdered.  In 1944 thousands of undesirable minorities died during the soviet's forced deportation.  After World War II thousands of Germans were killed and many more displaced in their expulsion from Poland and Czechoslovakia in an attempt to exact "justified" revenge. Again in the 1990's there was an attempt to purify a nation within the Yugoslavian wars.  These are just a few select examples of genocide and ethnic cleansing within the twentieth century alone and, even then, these cases are limited to Europe.
     Obviously the problem of ethnic cleansing, genocide, dehumanization, and otherization is a modern problem (as modern as the 1990's in the "civilized" world).  But where does this dehumanization link in.  Why does it matter if we put people in this category of "other"?  Isn't it a long leap from other to murder?  Sadly the leap is not that big.  I'm going to focus mostly on the Nazi extermination of the Jews because this is the genocide most are familiar with, but do not think that this is the only case you can apply this link to.
     Genocides do not start as mass killings of one peoples group.  They start smaller and grow.  Hitler began with the thought that Jews needed to be removed from Germany, contrary to common belief he did not begin by advocating the execution of Jews (although it might be be safe to say he would not have morned a Jewish death).  Prior to the concentration camps, the death camps, the death buses, and the Jewish Ghettos there was the otherization of Jews.  This type of sentiment was not centered in Germany.  Anti-Semitic thought was popular across Europe and into the United States.  In fact, most people though Hitler was a great man throughout most of the world (and he did not keep his anti-Semitic sentiments on the DL internationally).
    These sentiments manifested themselves first in the form of state rights.  Jewish individuals had their rights taken away and eventually their citizenship as a whole revoked.  This was not in an attempt to kill them but to drive them out of the German Nation.  When this did not have the desired affect Jewish Ghettos were created and the Jewish population was driven to these areas in mass numbers.  Within the ghettos Jews were not forbidden to leave, in fact they were encouraged to leave the country still.
     Mass execution of Jews were not fully legitimized until 1941, this is still before the German government had decided to murder all the Jews.  At this time Hitler was still toying with the idea of sending the Jews to Madagascar.  It wasn't until after the United States had entered the war and there were little to no signs of stopping that the state decided the Jewish problem must be permanently solved (in other words death).
     As you can see this idea was not one man's brain child.  This was an effort by masses of people built up under a simple ideology which grew into absolute hatred for what they deemed the parasite race.  Murder was the end product but it was the product of years of anti-semitic thought, a growing Germanic national identity, and a total world war.  The best part is that it all began with the otherization of a single nation.  Similar sentiments can be found in the study of almost any modern genocide.
     To finish it all up Genocide is the direct product of dehumanization in its most sever of situations.  If you don't buy this you can at least see that dehumanization leads to the devaluing of a life and when a life is worth less you can do anything to it without feeling much pity.  This anything could range from murder to rape to assault.  When a person is worth far less than your own value what is there to stop you from treating them like an animal or a simple thing?
   For all of those who wanted me to internalize dehumanization I ask to consider what I have written.  Please don't think that I have written everything.  It has taken me only half hour to type all of this up and I have included only a skeleton of the haunting facts.  If these aren't enough please go read Fire of Hatred by Naimark.  He does an excellent job of laying out the facts in a very non biased way.  Yet even without the theatrics or bias the facts of such events are heart breaking.  They inevitably offer up a warning to our modern world.  Genocide and dehumanization are not inevitable and we must prevent against such things.  Ideology is very easy to build and install yet nearly impossible to destroy.  Such a tool in the hands of the state can be dangerous and, in some cases, fatal.  

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Week

     This week has been a very unhappy week.  I don't want to say depressing because that may be a little melodramatic...but it still wasn't a happy week.  I guess it all began Tuesday.
     It was soooo sunny and nice outside that I decided to ride my bike to work, but about an hour or two into my shift it began to rain...and rain...and rain...well lets just say if Noah were around he would of started gathering the animals.  Thus my bike was useless to me and I was stranded at work.  Not that big of a deal, I had a ride, but still not happy.
     After work I sat outside of Sport's Authority and there was a truck.  It sat there with its lights on me for about five min.  I was kinda freaked out so I called up James and tried to look unconcerned, but really I was kinda scared.  The guy finally rolled up and asked if I needed a ride.  I replied no.
     *Just as a side note; in what world would a young girl take a ride from some random stranger in a wife
      beater who drives a beat up white truck...nothing about that screams rapist...nothing...
      After he left I continued my conversation with James.  (I still felt as though staying on the phone was a good idea)  During this conversation I was informed that he was considering transferring to a school in San Diego.  I was shocked but I decided to deal with it as things came.  Nothing was decided yet so why cry about it?  I hung up with him, got into my rides car and went to the gym.
     As I ran things started to hit me.  James might be leaving...like really leaving.  One more person I had gotten close to was leaving me.  This sound really selfish but since I came to college just about every close friend I've had has moved, gotten married, grown distant, or just left due to their personal reasons.  Nothing too big if it happens with just one friend, but after about the third or fourth time it get a little old.  This has lead to somewhat of a complex.  I deal with it well enough (aka I don't have abandonment issues or serious commitment issues...well no more than any average/sane 20 year old).  Yet even though I've learned to deal with it doesn't mean that its fun to deal with.
      By the end of mile one I could hardly hold in the tears.  (I must have been quite a site; sweat on my brow, snot running, and tears threatening to come out...I bet I was pretty red in the face)  I finished my mile, cooled down, left the gym, called George and broke down.  I was crying and blubbering and feeling really really stupid for crying over a bunch of maybes.  In addition my hatred for crying comes is only second to my hatred of feeling like a stupid girl (which was a very strong emotion at the time).
     George provided some comfort.  I mean its not like he could tell me that everything was going to be ok or that I was being stupid (because, although I was feeling stupid, bottling up my emotions would of been a lot worse), but he did tell me that if James were to move and if we did break up it was because God had something bigger for me.  That will ultimately be a comfort but for now I'm still worried and sad.  I guess I'm just the happiest I have been in a relationship.  I don't feel pressured to change or be someone I'm not. I'm in a romantic relationship with one of my best fiends and its a pretty healthy relationship if I do say so myself.  Why would I want to willingly give that up?
     So that was the end of day one of the bad week.  Wednesday went on without much of a hitch.  I saw my family, went to classes, and did some homework.  The only thing is I was made to feel quite stupid by a professor and I didn't get to really talk to James.  Normally this isn't a big deal, but when I already feel like I'm losing him I guess not talking to him reinforces those feelings.  Yet again stupid girl feelings, but they're what I'm feeling none the less.
    On top of all this last night I had the worst dream.  I was walking from a book store...I think it was the one I work next to in Logan.  I was in a parking lot with one car in it.  I knew that inside the car there was a man even though I couldn't see him.  As I was walking across the parking lot a dog came out of nowhere and attacked me.  I screamed and collapsed to play dead but it kept attacking me.  The man in the car jumped out and stabbed the dog.  He got the dog's blood all over me and also stabbed me in the leg.  I feinted and when I woke up the man, the dog, and the blood were gone.  But on my leg was a scratch of sorts.  It was as though a pocket had been made out of my skin and inside there was a giant splinter.
     I ran over to a walmart or home depot and to the register.  I was screaming and crying about the man and the dog, but because the blood was gone no one believed me.  I tried to show the sales person the scratch but it had turned into a pocket on my shorts (weird right?).  The man I was talking to was fat and white and began to care even less.  A muscular black man came from the back of the store to help me.  He put me on a gurney.  He and another man (this one of similar build but white) wheeled me out.  They left me in a hallway.  I got up and tried to find them but instead of locating the men I found myself at the doors of a gym.
     All the lights were off but I knew that the man who had attacked/saved me and/or the dog were in there.  I began screaming again and the men came to take me away....and that was all I remember.  I woke up scared and discombobulated.  And thus I was only half asleep for the rest of the night.  I woke up this morning sore, tired, and (to make everything even better) outside it was raining.  This rain later turned to snow...and it hasn't stopped snowing since one.  The weather has only served to perpetuate my bad mood.  I feel lonely and I feel like crying.  I know that if it were sunny outside I would be fine, but its snowing....in April.
    Really there is no point to this post.  No grand lesson or prodding thought.  Just my unhappy thoughts.  I want to talk to someone but really there is no one to talk to right now.  Maybe tomorrow will be sunnier and I'll feel better.

Dream Jobs

     Starting at a very young age we are asked over and over again what we want to be when we grow up.  This can range form a doctor or a teacher to superman or a teenage mutant ninja turtle.  Either way we have our dream.  As we get older and older we shift our dreams to more realistic standards.  We eventually find an area we like and decide on a steady career that will pay the bills.  And slowly we let those old dreams go.
     When I was young I wanted to be a teacher.  Its silly but my dad was a teacher and well...I was a daddy's girl.  It wasn't till I was older that I found activities I loved and could potentially get a job in, but those jobs weren't financially reliable and actually getting the job was a long shot.  My dream was to be a lighting technician or a designer.  Yet as I moved further and further into my love I experienced a lot of negativity from my parents.
     "Where are you going to use such skills?  Debate is a much better use of your time," or "The theater industry is so unreliable, its not realistic to look at a career in such an area."  I listened to them and I walked away.  I'm in school to be a teacher and I will probably never have a serious job in the lighting industry.
    Yet last month I did lights for my old high school and it was intoxicating to be back doing what I loved. I realized, again, why I put up with all the frustration of the electronic malfunctions and high stress situations.  There was nothing more invigorating than walking into an ugly and blank cafeteria and transforming it into a stage.
     I was doing these lights as if they were a job.  I drove down and worked long hours.  While in Logan I drew sketches, looked up light throws, and played with unconventional gel combinations.  My life for a few months was thrown back into theater and while it was stressful I loved every moment of it.  At the end of the production I felt accomplished, but sad at the same time.  I had worked to hard and loved it so much.  Leaving it now felt wrong.  
     About two weeks after my completion of the project my mom gave me an envelop from the director of the show.  He had decided to pay me for my work.  I almost went to give it back to him, but something stopped me.  I had just been paid to do something I loved.  Most people will go their entire life without having such a thing happen.  We may like our jobs but to get paid for something you love is an entirely new experience.
    About two weeks after this my boyfriend told me that he may be hired as a setter at his rock climbing gym.  I was overjoyed for him.  I don't know if he understood why I was so excited for him...he just kinda laughed at me.  I just think that it is so cool for him to get paid to do something that resembles an art...to get paid to do something he loves.  And not just once, like with my lighting, but as his job he would do something he loved with an unimaginable passion (really its more of an obsession for him).
      I just wish that everyone could experience, just once, what its like to get paid for something you love.  Something you gave up long ago as a viable job option.  And finally I want to thank Mr. Gordon Hutlburg and Miss Susan Berrend for this amazing opportunity.  For two months they allowed for me to live my dream...to have my dream job.  No amount of thanks will ever truly express how much I appreciate that opportunity.
    I lived a dream and not many people can say that.

Children- From the Viewpoint of a Girl who Thinks Life Begins at Conception

     I don't think I ever want kids.  Its not that I don't like kids or that I'm not willing to make the sacrifice, I like kids and I think the sacrifices are worth making...but there are so many ways to screw up.  The potential tragedies involved in pregnancy and child rearing are so great.  As youth we are so caught up in our superhuman, untouchable mindset that we forget how fragile life is...especially a child's life.
     Just recently I met a pregnant girl who has inside her a child with a collapsed lung.  She is in her fourth month and realistically her baby probably won't make it to the third trimester.  Recently all I can think of is this drowning baby.  Inside a woman is a dying child and she can't do anything about it.  The only form of comfort she can provide is a stroke to her stomach, a sad thought, or a slight tear.  But the child will never feel the warm touch of its mother and hear the soft sobs on its behalf.  In her situation what can you do?
     I had a friend say that this is the point where an abortion would be acceptable...but I question that solution.  In order to save my child I should just put it out of its misery...I should kill my child...That doesn't sound like much of a solution.  I think some people won't accept this as a viable answer to my friend either because they see it as a mercy killing or because of the differences in opinion as to when a life begins.  But for me the death of a child by natural causes, no matter how miserable it is for me, is better than killing the child myself.
     It puts a woman in a horrible position to suggest such a thing.  You should kill this child living inside you in order to save it ample amounts of suffering and later you must face the guilt of killing your child.  Or you should let your child suffer naturally, offering whatever comfort you can, and then face the guilt of letting your child suffer, knowing you could have saved it some suffering.  On top of all of this the idea that your child will die is not a 100% certainty...it could still live and be born...
      But really situations like this are not rare.  Miscarriages, birth defects, complications in pregnancy...things like these happen all the time.  To carry a child for days, weeks, months and then to lose that life...I don't think I could do that.  Currently I know four pregnant woman and talking to them about their child has shown how much of a bond they feel with their baby.
     When a woman is pregnant those around her can feel a kick on the surface of the stomach, but a mother feels the child all the time.  She feels every kick, 360 degrees.  She can feel the child interacting with every part of her body, she can feel it growing every day.  Really the pregnancy is an amazing part of being a mother...the connection you make with the child who comes to life and grows inside of you is insane.  If life starts at conception, your child experiences the first nine months of its life inside the woman.  Then to lose that...to have that life end inside you...I don't think I could handle it...
     But lets say you make it through the pregnancy without any complications and you see a life begin.  You take the child home and begin its life outside of your belly just fine...now you have the job of raising a productive member of society who reaches the hight of their potential.  This job seems even harder than a pregnancy would ever be.
     I'm an intellectual who values the lessons and disciplines a sport gives you...what if my daughter is the stereotypical cheerleader?  Or my son is the kid from high school that loves everything Japan and refuses to meld into the US society?  And really I can deal with all of that...but its still a worry...how do I put aside everything that I was to full heartedly accept who my child is?  Like I said, though, its not that bad...it gets worse...
      What if my child decides to have sex, drink, and do drugs?  What parenting tactics do I use to help my child choose a lifestyle void of these things?  And where does my role as a parent end and my child's freewill kick in?  When is it time to let go and how much of my child is my responsibility?  These questions really have no answer and there is no form of right parenting.  Each parent is an individual and each child is an individual...that part scares me.  No right answer and no easy equation...
     If I have a child I know that that little baby will become my life the day I find out I'm pregnant...and I don't think I have the strength to deal with any complications before or after birth.  How do you survive after you see something go wrong with a this little person...this little person you love so much and have so much emotion invested in?

Oh what a day...

     Some days it is perfectly acceptable to say "Fuck the world," go home, get into a scalding hot shower, and cry.  I think we like to deny our feelings because we think we're being selfish or irresponsible.  But there are just some days that start bad and just get worse and worse with no good end in sight.
     Its like a tornado of bad.  It just grows and grows and GROWS till everything is sucked in and everything in its path is destroyed.  And there we sit, right in the middle.  We watch it all happen, but we can't do anything.  I mean you're right in the center, you should be able to do something...but alas nothing can be done.  This tornado of negativity just continues in its destructive ways till is slowly dies away.
     I had one of those days and it sucked (not a very scholarly word, but I feel as though it is the perfect word for my day).  I was sick, worked ten hours, and at the end of the day I was told I was "a rude and inconsiderate person with no self worth."  Yup I walked to my car, closed the door, and started crying.  Sick, tired, and hurt I went home.  I turned on my shower and for a half hour I alternated between self pity and anger.
     Really it all sounds quite stupid, but I needed that time.  I needed to just focus on me and how my day had made me feel.  And really I'm still not ok.  I made it past sad.  The guy who called me rude and inconsiderate and so on is an idiot (I knew this before he insulted me).  But I am going to continue to be mad till I start feeling better and I have had some sleep.  I wasn't selfish or unproductive tonight...I was just meeting what would appear to be completely ridiculous needs...
   I don't know where I was going with this...I guess I just needed to justify my actions tonight.  Also, I think I needed to put down my thoughts where someone could potentially read them because really I don't think anyone wants to hear my silly little problems.  Anyone reading this can shut the window and walk away at any point in time.
    Now I'm just rambling.  Closing thought:  Be "selfish" and cry every once in a while.  Be mad and hurt and let that tornado go its route (within reason of course).  Some days are just bad days and there is nothing you can really do about any of it.  Not right away at least.

Safety Nets

     As time goes on we all inevitably grow up.  Slowly we started gaining responsibility, independence, and so on.  But as we grow up this safety net we've grown up with all our lives starts to slowly fall away until you realize that it no longer is right there below you, waiting to catch you if you fall.  Life becomes shrewder, unforgiving, and cold.  All those reassuring lies we lived with as kids just drift away.
     We tend to think that we're untouchable.  That nothing could happen to us.  With the whole world before us who could ever stand against us...but then reality comes in to bite us on the ass.  We have our heart really broken for the first time, we lose a friend in a car crash, someone we know goes to jail, innocence is cruelly stolen from us.
     I know a lot of kids grow up in this "real world," but I was raised in a Christian School in Utah.  I lived in ignorance for the longest time.  No one and nothing could touch me.  I had a list of endless possibilities in front of me and I could do anything.  I didn't need to worry about kidnap, premature death, rape, or any other nasty part of the outside world...my world was perfect and no one could ruin it.
     That is until the cruel outside world started to creep in...my cousin died at age 15.  Then the next year my friend was killed in a car crash at age 17 and the next year another friend took his own life at 17.  Reality kept banging at my door.  Threatening to come in.  At eighteen I was told I was lucky to be able to see my best friend alive, she almost died in a roll over.  Nothing was as perfect anymore...but I was still safe.
     These other people had done something to desert their safety net but I still clung to mine.  It was there to catch me.  No matter how big the risk I would survive...but tonight I just realized that my safety net is gone.  I live in Logan, UT; one of the top five safest cities in the United States.  Yet even here that cruel world comes knocking and this time my safety net is gone.
     I live up here on my own...I have friends and adults who care but I am ultimately responsible for my actions.  And the world is not as safe as my little Christian bubble in suburban Utah.  My friend was raped...no news story or anything to report the tragedy.  Just plain facts, a police report that takes months to lead to any actions, and a rapist still in the city.
     Her story is just one of many.  But that doesn't make it any less important or any less scary.  Even in safe little Logan, Ut we're still at risk...my safety net is gone and right now I have no idea what to think.  No notification was sent out or warning was given.  And he still gets to wander around till the police get things sorted out.  My friend left town to live with her parents for fear of what may happen.  She had to return to her safety net...but still she has to go back after something was taken from her...stolen from her...
     I don't know what this post is about...the injustice of rape or the fear I have after someone so close to me was so deeply hurt...All of it is confusing.  I guess this is the part of growing up that no one wants to tell you about.

To Feel or Not To Feel

     This last year, on more than one occasion, I was told that I was not feeling the right thing.  I was taking too long to get over  my ex, I shouldn't be upset when a guy rejected me, get over it...and I listened to them.  I was feeling the wrong thing at the wrong time (or something like that).  By the end of it all I couldn't help but doubt my own feelings.  Was I feeling the way I was supposed to or should I shove this sense of anger, hurt, or happiness to the side in hopes of fitting the social norm?

     Yet I was told just recently that there is no such thing as a wrong feeling.  There is a good feeling, a bad feeling, a feeling you let consume you, but never a wrong feeling.  We feel what we feel for a reason, and no one can tell us what that reason is and tell us our feelings aren't justified. 

     I was told that feelings are information.  They may not seem rational, but they tell us about how we are doing emotionally and spiritually.  They tell us little bits about ourselves.  And so to ignore them is to ignore a part of ourselves.  We may not know exactly what are emotions are telling us just yet; but by ignoring them we may be ignoring something really important that will come to light at some later time.
     After I was told this I swore I would never ignore my emotions ever again.  I failed quite a few times before started to succeed, but once I started to actually feel all my emotions things started to get so much easier. My happiness was lasted a lot longer and the anger or sadness would dissipate naturally after a night or even a few short hours.  
     For example, as girls we are told that heartbreak or being upset over a boy is weak or stupid, but it isn't.  One day my boyfriend really hurt my feelings.  He didn't mean to and really the whole ordeal wasn't that big of a deal.  It was all centered around one small, insignificant text.  Yet it still hurt my feelings.  
    Instead of calling him up and crying and being...well a girl...I decided to sit in my room and feel hurt.  I was embarrassed at being vulnerable with him and hurt that he didn't return my same feelings (and no I did not tell him I loved him over text, just in case you were wondering).  And I felt those feelings.  The next day I was still hurt, but it wasn't so big that is overwhelmed me.  I called him later that day and was able to very calmly explain my feelings and what he had done to hurt me.  No yelling or crying, just very calm talking.  
     If I hadn't taken that time I would probably have yelled or acted upset as a defense to cope with my very big emotions. But my emotions had already been dealt with so they just weren't that big and I had an understanding of what was a big deal and what wasn't.  We worked everything out within twenty minutes and we were both better for it.  
     By making my emotions about me and the information they were giving me instead of blaming my boyfriend or ignoring the emotions because they were weak emotions I was able to feel them.  Because I felt them they ended up being a fairly small deal.  And the best part is that I didn't have to convince myself that they weren't a big deal.  They really didn't feel like a big deal anymore.
     That is just one, very girly, example.  Yet you get the idea.  Each emotion has a different life span and needs to be dealt with differently, but they all need to be felt.  What a strange concept...feeling your feelings.  I don't think many of us ever think about how little we actually feel and how much we suppress.

Penny for Your Thoughts

A couple nights ago I was talking to my boyfriend about diaries, journals, and blogs.  About how it is nice to have your thoughts down so you can explore your own mind better and remember the deep thoughts you have.  I have a journal (or is girl thought storage referred to as a diary?  Better yet what is the different between a diary and a journal?) but I never really write in it...like maybe once a month.  

I always feel like it is so pointless.  No one will ever read it.  My thoughts will just be my own.  Occasionally this would be ok, but not all the time.  If my thoughts are important enough to be written down instead of just thought then I would like to be able to share them with others...or at least have the option of sharing.  That's why this blog was so appealing.  I know that probably no one will ever read this but its nice to have the option.  Whereas with a journal/diary the only way someone would read it in your lifetime is if you shared it (kinda counter-intuitive) or for someone to steal it.  

This train of thought lead to me obtaining a blog.  Thus one problem was solved with the acquisition of this blog.  I now had a place to share my thoughts where someone could potentially read them...yet obviously I still struggled to write in it.  One post for all of 2010...just one.  Obviously writing is still hard.  

Now that someone can potentially read what I have written I feel the need to write something worth reading...and I don't always have something worth reading.  The worst part about all of this is that I was somewhat challenged to actually keep my blog up to date and now I am forced to write something almost everyday!  In addition to my boyfriend's challenge-ish thing, my other friend challenged me to take "me time" each day.  I struggled with this because me time was so unproductive.  So I challenged myself to write what I thought in my blog everyday and label it "semi-productive me time."  

It is quite obvious at day three that this was not one of my better choices.  If I didn't have something worth reading to write in over half a year what made me think that I have something worth writing each day?  I have nothing of importance to write.  This whole post is just me complaining about how I have nothing worth reading in my thoughts...

I guess the take away point in all this (in an effort to make this worth reading): How often to we speak without having anything worth being heard?  How often do we write without having anything worth reading?  

Now that you have mentally answered that: What makes it worth listening to?  What makes it worth reading?  At what point does any of this become worth it?  I have no answer...maybe what I write is worth reading.  To me it is bunch of unoriginal stuff that isn't worth a whole lot yet here I am still typing away...thus it must have some worth.  Somehow it must be good enough for me to type and good enough for you to read...at least in my mind.  

I really don't know where I am going with this, but I didn't really have anything to say today.  Obviously with nothing to say I had to question the worth of my thoughts and my blog.

Let Their Voices Resound

     I don't think anyone really knows how much I sing.  Sometimes while in the car I'll turn off the radio and just sing songs I know or have made up on the spot.  Anytime I'm completely alone I start singing.  I just wish that I could do it when I'm not completely alone.  I wish we had more music in our world, sung by everyone.  I wish we had more people expressing their soul through music even if everyone has told them they suck or that they just aren't up to par.  Sometimes I just want to start singing at the top of my lungs.  Not in that joking sort of way but really sing.  Like open your heart and sing, not to be heard or complimented but just to make make music.
     I think its funny how there are only two acceptable ways of singing in public.  In a completely joking manner or really singing but being really really good at it.  I'm not musically inclined but I don't suck and I wish it was socially acceptable to just sing.  Or better yet if everyone would just join in with you.  Not in some choreographed, high school musical way.  But people just opening up their soul and singing.  

    I think the one reason this would never happen the way I imagine it is because of the two acceptable ways of singing.  You need to just joke or sing so seriously and in such a self conscious manner that the music won't just flow out of you. 

     Music has this amazing power over people.  It can make you smile and jump with just a tune or cry at the right words combined with the right melody.  It evokes emotion in ways that theater and books just can't.  And, in addition, it is personal.  A songwriter and composer may intended one emotion or experience to be prevalent but each one of us will always take something different from the song.  Different memories will come to us and thus slightly varying (or maybe even completely different emotions) will stay with us.  

     I guess what I'm trying to say is I wish would could put aside societies perceptions of song and talent long enough to sing together, to expose our souls to each other for just a moment.  I wish when I started singing in public I wouldn't get weird looks, instead I would have voices slowly join in to create an impromptu choir.  And for a moment we would be a community in song. 

Why Me?

     So today I was making the two hour trek back up to Logan from Salt Lake and in my copious spare time I was contemplating my very new relationship.  I was a bit giddy at first then my giddiness turned to worry as I thought of the future (more like how little I knew about the future) and then the giddiness returned.  Finally my giddiness subsided and I became very contemplative. 
     The main thought running through my mind was "Why me?  Why did he want me?"  Really I think most of us have these thoughts from time to time.  This thought can show one of two things.  First it shows how little we think of ourselves (ie. Why would he like someone like me?  He could do so much better).  Or, second, how much we don't see (ie. Why would anyone like someone as ordinary as me?  What was special enough to keep me around?).  These two sound a lot a like, but really I think they are quite different.  One is focused on how inadequate you are, the other focuses on what you're missing when you look at yourself.  

     I feel as though I should make this distinction because I have had both these thoughts before.  The more common of the two is the first thought, but I think the second is more interesting.  I was focused more on this second frame of mind this afternoon.  Its not like I felt like I was not worth dating, I just didn't understand what would draw a person in.  Was I really special enough for someone to fall for?  And if so, what made me so special?  I just felt like I was missing something.  But this made me think "Well what makes James so special?"  And I couldn't answer...

     He just was.  For some unknown reason I didn't want to be with anyone else and whenever I see him I can't help but smile from ear to ear (don't get me wrong there is a lot to like about him, but I couldn't put my finger on that one thing that made him so special to me).  Yet again I was just missing something.  
     Its so interesting how we form these relationships.  We all try to rationalize why we like the people we like or why our friends are so special.  Yet we always fall short of explaining it right.  Its like our relationships are us being magically drawn together by some greater power.  We don't know exactly why we love the people we love or why the people we love love us.  And sometimes you just find those relationships that just feel so right that you can't help but be in them, romantic or otherwise.  
     We are all just a bunch of ordinary, but somehow special people, drawn to each other.  An invisible hand just seems to guide us to the people we mesh well with or need in our lives and we just follow it.  Pretty much I guess when i'm trying to say is that relationships are funny things...actually they are just down right strange things.   Yet we spend so much time looking for the perfect one, involved in them, fixing them, and mourning over the lost ones.  We are in essence strange creatures involved in even stranger relationships.